How to have a germ or a cunyat with narcissistic trets that could harm an autistic person

There are family situations that are not bad just for the conflict itself, but for everything that is voluntary: the silences, the justifications, the changing versions and the feeling that, above all, reality no longer matters.

When a manipulative person manages to influence a family, the danger is not always evident from the outside. There are always no crits, direct insults or visible annoying scenes. Sometimes the evil is more subtle: a person constructs a story, others repeat it, and in the end, when he understands it, the incoherence ends up looking like conflict.

For an autistic person, this can be especially hard.

Not because we are still weaker. Not because we don't understand the relationships. But why many autistic people need coherence, clarity and a logical relationship between the one who has passed and the one who is subsequently the one who has passed.

When the fets are distorted, when the responsibilities are mouen de lloc, when a person does badly but asks others to defend him, our cervell can enter into enormous wear and tear. So let's not just point out the situation: we're also trying to understand how it's possible that other people don't live there, which is so obvious to us.

I això trenca molt per dins.

In my case, one of the things that has done the most harm has not only followed the behavior of a specific person, but rather seen with other people of his voltant who have assumed the right way of seeing things. Veure com es justifies the one who fa. See how it minimizes evil. See, in the end, those who face or pose limits end up carrying a part of the blame.

If això also affects the person you love, they face worse.

Because it is not just “he who is passing by me”.

Es veure patir also la teua parella. It's true that a family dynamic ends up generating pain, tension and distance. It is to feel helpless because you see patterns, contradictions and changes in stories, but this does not mean that others are willing to look at you.

Many autistic people have crescut dubtant of nosaltres mateixes. They have said that we exaggerate, that we are too sensitive, that we misunderstand or that we have to adapt more. Per això, when a family situation becomes manipulative, it can activate very old ferides.

You begin to ask yourself:

“Ho estic interpretant malament?”

“Has he really passed away?”

“Soc jo la que està reactant massa?”

“Why don't you see anything else?”

And this is one of the most perilous parts of gaslighting: that you end up checking your own perception once and again, while three people act as if the problem is the reaction and not the one that provoked that reaction.

But posing limits is not attacking.

Saying that something is wrong is not creating conflict.

Needing consistency is not difficult.

Sometimes, the greatest pain is not discovering that a person is manipulating. The greatest pain is seen by others who prefer to adapt to the story of that person rather than to look squarely at the evil they are causing.

I això, for an autistic person, it can be devastating. Because we don't just feel the conflict: many times we mentally review, we reconstruct, we look for explanations, we try to understand each piece and in our understanding we try to find a logic that may not exist.

So now I think it's important to talk about this topic.

So not all family holidays are visible.

Because not all manipulation is easy to explain.

And because many autistic people do not need someone to say that “we don't think so much”, but rather someone to say:

"Yes. Això que estàs vivint te feelit que et faça mal."

"Yes. Pots trust your perception."

"Yes. Tens dret a posar límits."

Family manipulation may be molt de mal. But when you are autistic, in addition to the emotional pain, there is an afegit pain: seeing that reality is deformed before you while you continue trying to hold on to your feelings.

I això no és exagerar.

It is trying to survive in an environment where coherence must no longer be shared.